The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
