this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
