I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i dont even know how to be here
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
