It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
