so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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