Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
