In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
