i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
