i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
