They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
