Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
