Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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