I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
