yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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