you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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