If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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