When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
