you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
