hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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