okay pat passed out under dana's car
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
