What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize