I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
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This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
