if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Come on in and take your pants off
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