I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
