Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
