just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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