I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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