guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
