I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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