I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
