My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
