you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
