My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
