i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
