I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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