he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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