I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
