I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
