One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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