I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
