god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
