I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
