Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
