I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
