loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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