My cat gives me a boner
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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