im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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