Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i can't believe i had my finger in that
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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