Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize