I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
