Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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