I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
