the condom got lost in my hair
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
