i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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