If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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