oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
