I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Randomize
