I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
