I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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