If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
