If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
The uberlube is also flammable
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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