matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm sobbing to NWA
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
