Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize