Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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